Dear Huge Printer,
I know it is a blessing that you have found your way into my home and I understand that it is so despite the fact that you can only print in light blue. It’s a fashionable color and I like color so that is not a problem with me. As you may have noticed, you have come to a home where we take hobbies serious and I know that since you are part of one, you will be loved as long as there is a need for you (and if I were you I would check that only-print-in-light-blue feature quite soon, even though I like blue, you are a photo printer after all and I know that most people, especially your owner, likes their pictures to come out in multiple colors, and if you won’t collaborate I’m not sure for how long there’s actually going to be a need for you, I can’t save you forever and truth be told, since you do nothing for my hobbies I’m not sure how keen I am in the first place) and you work as you are expected to (here the only-print-in-light-blue thing might also be to your disadvantage).
I admit that curvy front of yours could be considered elegant and I guess, considering what you are able to accomplish (again, and I can’t stress this enough, let go of the only-print-in-light-blue thing, for both our sakes), I should be happy you are not bigger than you are, and I try, I really do. I’m glad you cost almost nothing, I thought that was very classy of you (but since you only print in light blue, I guess it would have been unforgiveable if you had also cost a fortune) even though I had to drive in the dark for an hour to pick you up. I assume it wouldn’t have been very nice of me to suggest you take a taxi and I’m sorry if you accidentally heard any words not becoming of a lady (or anyone for that matter) while I drove you home. I’m sorry about that, but you didn’t do much to help the situation either.
I doubt there is anything you will ever do for me but someone I love really likes your company and that is enough for me. I’m thinking that if you fix that only-print-in-light-blue thing we can eventually find a relationship built on mutual respect, but as long as you’ve taken up residence on my livingroom floor that won’t happen. You see, I’m a very productive knitter – the yarn stash probably gave that away – and the livingroom is the yarn room, not the printer room. Printers go in the study or the studio and sure, I can lend you some room in the hallway or under the dinner table while you get your… things sorted, but you really, really need to move out of the livingroom. This is essential for whatever relationship you want with me in the future, remember, I can just as easily drive you to the transfer station for waste management, as I drove you to my home (that’s right, I opened my home for you). Move away from the livingroom floor, I need my blocking space back as I can now only block small items like wristwarmers and I have plenty of shawls waiting. If you move, I won’t point out that only-print-in-light-blue thing quite so often. Do we have a deal?